A little something for newly-engaged couples

Were you part of the Valentine's Day Engagement Hysteria?

If so, this billboard is for you:


I wish failblog wouldn't stamp FAIL on everything, because I think this is funnier, and much less annoying than the Robbins Brothers commercials that were playing constantly. There's SO MUCH SHRIEKING!



Though I get why an engagement ring store wouldn't advertise with sarcasm.

When it is time to make good on your engagement, make sure this doesn't happen to your photographer.


This poor guy. He was attacked by the drunken bridesmaid freak train.

xoxo,
Kay Banks

Snarking on wedding photos

These are the photos that leave me undecided.

You know I'm a fan of all things spooky wedding, so I'm torn over this cake. Part of me loves the gorey cake with the romantic-macabre message, but the other part thinks that the execution is too gross.




I'm also a fan of doing as you please, showing off what you have, and generally not giving a fig what anyone thinks, but this bride is doing it distastefully. If I had giant boobs, I'd probably show them off too, but not in a way that would constantly have my dad and uncles hiding their faces. Her boobs look precariously perched on those little triangles of fabric, and not in a sexy way.




Finally, I think it's silly to wear unbearable uncomfortable shoes, but not to this end. TheLovelyBride.com sells "comfortable wedding shoes" for the low, low price of $159.95. There are other models that are equally ugly, but I noticed that they only sell one color, and the sizes don't run true. For $160, I want cute and comfortable shoes.


-KB

More wedding photo snark

This bride is clearly not the kind of girl who dreamed about every detail of her wedding day. She didn't even care enough to take the bluetooth headset out of her ear*

*Or maybe it's one of these hilarious hearing aids that just looks like a bluetooth headset? Either way, it looks silly.



This bride seems to be pleased with her well-planned, matchy-matchy curtain bridesmaids. If you look at the end bridesmaids, their faces seem to tell a different story.




This one strikes me as really funny - an entire wedding party is loaded into a decorated backhoe. Maybe one of the families is a rental company or a contractor. That's the only reason I can think of that you would be transported in a backhoe. Either way, it kind of looks like fun.

-KB

I don't know where I found the last photo. If you know more about it, hook me up.

Wedding snark in photos

This week I'm emptying the folder of funny wedding pictures that I've been collecting.

These pictures are from a cause I very much support - Anti Duckface. If you've ever visited Facebook or MySpace, you have seen Duckface. It's that really unattractive thing that people do in pictures when they want to resemble Miley Cyrus. Yikes. Here are some wedding Duckface photos:


I'm sure the bride is really pleased that her friends made this stupid face in every single picture.




Or maybe not. Can you imagine allowing someone to photograph you in a wedding dress on the toilet? Kids today.



This bride is so humiliated by her duckface photo that she's hiding her face rhythmically in her husband's groin area...oh. I see :\

-Kay

Awkward stock wedding photos

I love Awkward Stock Photos, but there aren't enough wedding-related pictures for my taste. I know there must more lurking out there than just this one:



No offence to this model, but what is going on with her photos? She looks unprepared or annoyed in all of them, but there seems to be a whole series of pictures of her with just this gown and a weird expression on her face.



Every time her faced popped up, I laughed harder. Who would buy this? Is she pretending to be 10?


There are also a LOT of photos of crazy, pissed-off brides. I actually like this one. I hope I find a reason to use it in the future.


Her little balled-up fists are funny. And how about this angle? She's all up in your face - that's how you know she's mad.


This one's called "She got her man" No further snark is necessary.


I never post pictures of myself on this blog. Today's the big day - here I am with my husband on our wedding day. He's quite the wiggler, but eventually I got him in that trunk.


And lastly, these terrifying dolls. WTF.


-Kay

It's not too late to enter the flat iron contest! Shoot me an email tonight to enter. The winner will be announced tomorrow - good luck!

Fish in a wedding cake? That's just wrong.

This is so wrong, for so many reasons.

First, it's just an ugly cake. Why is the coral (seaweed?) blue? I also hate the haphazard shells all over the place. Then, instead of the columns, they used champagne glasses to prop up the top tier? It's kind of a cute idea, but it's poorly executed.



What the what? Look at those sad little fish in the glasses. First, you should not use live animals as decorations. Yes, I'm probably a hypocrite in this area because I eat fish and meat, but I do not use animals for my visual pleasure (unless it's DEEP SEA on Blu-ray because that blows my mind!) because it seems like an asshole thing to do. Second, if you are going to use animals for your visual pleasure, at least make it visually pleasing. Poor Betta fish are usually the victims of the fish-for-decoration trend, but these are ten cent guppies. They're ugly. Everything is ugly.



Humph!

-Kay

A look back at 1989 wedding advice

Remember the Color Me Beautiful craze in the '80s? When I was a kid, some older girls who were family friends were always holding that book up to my face to determine if I was a Spring or a Winter, and then coating me in hideous colors reminiscent of Homer's make-up gun.


Homer, I think you have it set to 'whore'

This popped up on one of my favorite blogs Awful Library Books, and the advice is still so relevant, it's screaming to be shared.


Colors for Brides promises advice on hot topics such as: your wedding, your trousseau, your first home, your planning guide, and your bridal gift record. I know what you're thinking! What in the hell is a trousseau!? It is a pretty word for dowry. Yes, dowry.

Let's dive in and soak up all the amazing advice. Your cosmetics leave something to be desired - wouldn't you look better following this advice?

You want to look romantic, don't you? It's perfect for channeling your inner child pageant show contestant.

-Kay

The truth about your wedding

Only your real friends will tell you the truth...unless you are a passive-aggressive Facebooker.

it's great that everyone has more important things to do that come to my wedding - i guess you find out who really cares about you...

There's some good gossip in here somewhere. I'll bet she's talked about nothing but her wedding plans and her friends can't stand her anymore. Or maybe her friends are all 19 and they know it's a doomed marriage

Christina hates not getting invited to anything anymore. Is it because I'm married?
Friend: no, its because you are married to a prick.

This reminds me of Knocked Up.

Little girl: Everyone's like blah blah blah, Ben's a PRICK! ...what does it mean?
Ben: It means...penis.
Little girl: (giggle) penis

It gets me every time.

-KB

Look at this f***ing hipster wedding

Urban Outfitters Inc., who also owns Anthropologie, is planning to start a wedding-focused bridal business next year. Here are the businessy words:

Aiming to maintain the growth that led to record 2009 sales and profit, Urban Outfitters Inc. today disclosed plans to start another retail brand next year, this one aimed at the $60 billion wedding industry. The Philadelphia specialty retailer, whose Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie stores target an upscale clientele, said it planned to launch the as-yet-unnamed bridal business by Valentine's Day 2011, first online and later with a store opening.

"We think this is going to be a meaningful business," Glen T. Senk, chief executive officer, told analysts today while reviewing the company's 2009 earnings, which included record sales of $1.9 billion and record profit of $220 million. "Anybody we talk to about this goes, 'Wow, that's exciting,' " he said. [cool story, bro]


An institutionalized pixie bride from Anthropologie

The idea for creating a brand aimed at weddings - featuring heirloom gowns, accessories, intimate apparel, decor, and gifts - grew out of the company's existing business, which often catered to brides and their entourages, Senk said. According to the company's research, matrimony means money: The average wedding costs $45,000 to stage, and the bride alone spends $4,500 on clothing and accessories. Bridalwear is a niche that suffered badly last year in the economic downturn; many high-end boutiques closed.

Okay, blahblahblah, there's more info (including numbers) at the source but if my experience is any prediction, all the crap at this store will look cool but be overpriced and lacking substance...just like Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. I always stop in Anthropologie to drool over their crazy sweaters, but I know not to buy any because they always fall apart (at least the ones I've bought always have) and I'm left bitter, $115 poorer, and sans-crazy sweater.

-KB

Thousands of women fall for bridal show scam

Have you ever been to a bridal show? I went to one many years ago when I didn't even have a boyfriend. As a teenager, I had a friend who had a life-long obsession with being a pretty princess bride, and she really wanted to go, so I went with her. It was a terrifying experience; bitchy women and their miserable, even bitchier mothers were grilling sleazy vendors about prices while some poor guy (presumably the groom) trailed along behind. I was pressured into trying things on (rings, headpieces), putting things against my skin (hm, do I like candle white, or ivory?), and taking unwanted fliers (WIN A FREE HONEYMOON) despite my insistence that I wasn't getting married, but merely helping my friend.

So I'm definitely not laughing at these women, because I'm sure a fraction of them are kind, reasonable people. I'm laughing at the grabby, scary, type-A women (hope you get your money back!)


Photo by Daniel Day

Boston police and the FBI say at least 6,000 brides-to-be and wedding vendors have been duped by a "non-existent convention" called The Boston 411 Home and Bridal Show 2010. Advertised on Facebook and weddingwire.com as "New England’s biggest and most extravagant bridal show," the convention claimed to be booked at the Hynes Convention Center March 5-7. In fact, the Hynes is hosting the annual assembly of the American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine on those dates.

Pre-paid admission passes were sold for $10 and $15, and attendees were promised “a welcome bag of goodies” and “a chance to win fabulous gifts and prizes” on the show’s bogus Web site. The show’s contact number goes to a voice mail.

Authorities said the scam artists were also selling advertising space in the show program for up to $450. Investigators are holding a press conference this afternoon to provide updates on the case and offer help to scam victims

Generally, if it sounds too good to be true, it is. I can't imagine paying $15 to get into a convention and expecting a welcome bag. It's not the Oscars! And I am not condoning any of this malicious scam, but I think targeting brides and home decorators was clever. Everything in those categories attracts ravenous, cash-flush people. But I really do hope that these people get their money back, and that the genius masterminds behind this are punished.

-Kay Banks

Man pays a lot for a crappy proposal

A lucky woman named Sally would have had the surprise of her life when she looked skyward this morning. The words "Marry me Sally" were written above Sydney’s inner west around 10am, much to the delight of thousands of people and hopefully Sally.

The original – and expensive – proposal had a slight glitch when the sky-writer missed the "e" on the end of "me".


mamm m salls

But a quick turnaround saw the missing letter added on at the end, completing the big question. Sally’s partner picked the perfect day to pop the question – the first day of clear sky in several weeks. We just hope his effort and expense paid of, and Sally said yes.

Sally won't say Yes because she won't know what the hell she's looking at. I've seen some terrible skywriting in my time, but this is the worst. I hope that guy gets his money back.

Vry truly,

Kay Banks

From Arbroath.

Hilary Duff's single life goes down

This is either a terrible PR stunt, or Hilary Duff is straight out of Seth MacFarlane's fantasies.

Skip to 0:12



Hilary Duff is engaged to some hockey player named Mike Comrie, and I know this because the engagement took place on a balcony with paparazzi watching below.


I saw that awkwardly-photoshopped Maxim spread where you tried to shed your Lizzy McGuire image...will you marry me?


Yay! I am acting shocked! This is what girls do with their hands when guys propose!


I'm going to text this to my less-famous sister while keeping this bad acting class smile on my face!


Here is your reward for giving people a reason to talk about me!

Yeesh, how embarrassing! Is she waxing his hockey stick, or is it merely a raspberry at a bad angle? My guess is raspberry because in some of the other pictures there are friends hanging around, but maybe she's into public sex? May this be the first of many happy marriages for them both.

-KB

Thanks to my pal J for the tip!

Monday morning snark - wonky windmill wedding

I have no idea why these people are stomping around this fake windmill (yeah, fake - they have American accents), but here is a wedding party at a windmill.



Adding insult to injury...those pink dresses are just awful.

Grumpy Monday,

Kay Banks

This post has Nothing to do with Arbroath

Don't mess with the Mother of the Bride

The Mother of the Bride can be the scariest person involved with a wedding. I'm not sure if it's protection of her baby, or living vicariously through her daughter, but some MOBs are terrifying. Thankfully, most of them don't have had shotguns. I feel like this one might have a shotgun arsenal.



CLOSED SEPTEMBER 7
WHEN MY ONE & ONLY
DAUGHTER MARRIES
THAT SORRY, NO COUNT
WORTHLESS, SHIFTLESS
JOHN PATTERSON

The sign reminds me of this snarky wedding invitation...but slightly less eloquent. Does the sign count as the invitation, or some kind of a save the date?

-Kay

Mrs. Banks if you're nasty.

Someone's gettin' opposite married, y'all!

Carrie Prejean the super moral, boobie-flashing, pillar of society is engaged. JSYK.


Hi, I am a smart and worthwhile human being because I am straight, religious, and better than you.

I am so embarrassed that she's from my state. She's on my love-to-hate list with the useless couple known as Speidi, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and basically every other fame whore who thinks that anyone gives a rip about their opinions.

Mostly, I am posting this so that I can gleefully write about her again when she gets disengaged. Because, COME ON this is not going to happen. At best, it will end in divorce, because apparently she's been dating this guy since last summer. WHAT COULD POSSIBLEY GO WRONG. I mean possibly. ...That shouldn't have happened.

-KAY BANKS

YEAH, CAPS. THIS BISH MAKES ME PISSY OKAY?

when blogs collide...

Check out this picture from FAIL blog:



Everyone has their part in the wedding airbrushed on to their clothing. The shirt on the right says "I'm the BEST [man]" and the bride's ass says "Wifey". Oh, no. Ladies, please don't let other people spray paint stuff on your butt. It looks like the groom is airbrushed from head to toe - I see writing on his hat, shirt, and jeans.

Maybe I'm just being judgemental because I'm getting OLD(er) and I don't understand youth today...what do the kids think?

From Texts from Last Night:
(402): The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!


Happy Friday!

-Kay Banks

Pretty, pretty dresses

Today's wedding snark is brought to you by the letters P and A. Cut me some slack on this one because I'm doing this from my phone and it's hard. I had to wake up really early this morning and I left the house without filling the Internet with more useless weddng crap. Oh yeah, Happy Friggin Monday.



Yeah, I hotlinked*. I have no idea how to upload photos from a phone. Frankly, I'm impressed with my ability to even do this. What an age to be alive.

Kay Banks

*Fixed!

Bizarre couple loves their bizarre photos

I almost feel guilty snarking these people twice, but I would love to know the thought behind their weird wedding photos?



Last time they were about to get down to business while listening to the world's tiniest violin, and this time they're contemplating jewelry and fruit.

Here are some theories:
They are Adam and Eve, and she's about to mess everything up by eating that apple
She lost her ring and the photographer offered to Photoshop it in over the apple
She is pregnant, and the apple represents the fruit of their love

Agnieszka and Daniel, WTFingF?

-Kay

Renewing your vows won't erase infidelity

This is just sad and delusional. But...whatever. They're celebrities - maybe they are good at acting like this will fix their marital problems. Here's the gossip article:

Nicole Forrester who?! One has to think that was the message Josh Duhamel was trying to send last week when he surprised his wife, Fergie, with a vow renewal ceremony. The couple, who married exactly a year ago today, wed again Wednesday, with just the two of them and a minister just outside Santa Barbara, Calif. "It was a total surprise for Fergie," a source said.


Creepy photo from their wedding shoot

Duhamel whisked Fergie away via private helicopter. During the 15-minute ceremony, overlooking the ocean, Fergie was "crying and very emotional." [She was probably picturing her husband having sex with a stripper. I'd cry too. Then I'd punch things. And by things, I mean testicles]

Afterward, the couple had a romantic dinner at the resort's upscale Miro eatery, then returned via helicopter to Los Angeles with their renewed marriage. In November, Forrester, an Atlanta stripper, alleged she had an affair with Duhamel while he was shooting the film Life As We Know It, a claim he denied. Sources close to the couple say that enduring the ordeal, which was widely reported by celebrity gossip tabloids, actually made their marriage stronger. Whether that's true or not, they're working hard on it!

Eh, whatever. If my husband cheated on my so soon after our wedding, I'd be done. But that Fergie, she never gives up. I remember her from KIDS Incorporated AND Wild Orchid (her terrible girl band). She really, really wanted to be famous. I'm kind of hard on her, right? Yeah, I am. And I don't care.

Bitchily,

Kay Banks

P.S. Have a great weekend! :)

P.S.S. If you haven't already done so, shoot me an email for your chance to win the Gothic Wedding Planner!

Couple marries after getting divorced

After their divorce was finalised in November, Jan and Lee Jones from Southend-on-Sea, Essex, decided they could not live without each other and got remarried on Christmas Eve. They had their 10 children at the ceremony.

Mrs Jones, 44, said: "We separated because of the usual things which cause problems, like finance and other issues which put pressure on any relationship. But we simply decided we couldn't live apart so we got married again."

The bride and her husband, 41, met in April 1989 and were married in July 1990 at the United Reform Church in Southend. Mrs Jones said: "It was a traditional church wedding with all our friends and family."

She had a son James, now 23, from a previous marriage, but the couple had their first child together Lee, now 18, in January 1991. After that came Paul, 17, Stephen, 13, Hannah, 9, Amy, 7, Ella, 5, Emily, 3, George, 2, and Callum, 1. They decided to separate after nearly 20 years of marriage in January 2009.


Delusion makes people so happy

Mr Jones said: "We had a lot of problems, like money problems, me working and Jan doing all the work at home, relying on friends to help take the children to school. We tried to make it work but we couldn't. We thought we would get divorced and see what happened. I moved out and got a room and I was coming around seeing the children every time I could."

The pair stayed amicable for the sake of their kids and were in constant phone and text contact. Mr Jones said: "I'm used to the children and Jan being around me and being on my own was like something was missing out of my life. We were texting each other and ringing and I was coming around all the time. It was the worst time of my life."

They pressed ahead with the divorce but when the papers came through in November, the reality of what they had lost hit home. Mrs Jones said: "The crux was when the divorce papers came through, it all hit home. I opened up the letter and thought, 'this is a bit final'. I texted Lee and said, 'have you got it?'."

Her husband continued: "It felt like we were not just throwing away 20 years together, we had grown up together." The couple started talking about the future and realised they did not want to be apart. Mrs Jones said: "We were sitting at the kitchen table together one night talking about it and I said, 'but I still love you' and he said, 'but I still love you – why are we doing it?'. We decided to give it another go."

Mr Jones said: "We thought it would be romantic to get married on Christmas Eve but never thought we would be able to. I rang them and they said they had an opening at 11am on Christmas Eve and we decided to go for it."

All the children were bridesmaids and page boys and the nearly new bride got her strapless pink wedding dress and butterscotch-coloured attendants' gowns from a local shop. They had 25 guests and held their buffet reception at the Exchange pub in Southend.

I can't get behind people who have ten freaking kids and decide to get divorced, but I'm glad they stayed together. I think it's pretty irresponsible to plan a wedding with new dresses and dinner guests when they were arguing over money troubles and they have (again) TEN FREAKING KIDS to support. Ugh.

-Kay

Found here

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