Merry Christmas!

This is our first Christmas together as Mr. and Mrs. and it is totally not what I expected last year. I thought we'd have trouble deciding what to do, which family to spend it with, but we just did lunch with one side and dinner with the other on Saturday. We had dinner with some friends today (which makes me think that other people didn't make this holiday so family-centric either) and as we were driving around, I noticed quite a few places still open.

Actually, unlike last year, I felt like we didn't really do much celebration this time around. In combination with the warm weather, it hardly felt like Christmas. I barely did any shopping or card-writing. Maybe because we are still in shock/trauma from the wedding, or maybe because we've been so very occupied with our housing situation, I didn't even get Dear a gift. Oh well, when I don't get the inspiration to get the "perfect" gift, I'm really not into it. Also, because Christmas fell on a Monday this year, it was just weird to have Christmas Eve service on a Sunday after regular Sunday service.

Hopefully next year when things are more settled I'd like to at least get a little tree and decorate it together. Anyway, enough of my babbling. Merry Christmas everyone!!

Banquet details

The detail that everyone seemed to love was the escort cards that we made out of leaves. Other than the gathering, pressing, shellacking, and storing of the leaves, I have very little knowledge of how the leaves became escort cards. At one point Dear bought a bunch of clear labels (since he refused to handwrite each one) and printed out names and table numbers on them. He also gave a bunch to my mother who could not provide us with a clear guest list so she had to handwrite hers. Lots of people commented on how creative we were, though one party pooper had to add that they were brittle (eh, screw him!). Some people seemed to like the idea so much that they pinned a leaf to themselves, as if it were a boutonniere. If I had fresh autumn leaves, I would have petitioned for adding one to Dear's boutonniere.


My MIL is a stained glass nut -- she goes every week to her class and her house is filled with all sorts of stained glass pieces. So it was only natural that I ask her to make us something featuring a double happiness character. At first I thought it'd be nice to have her make a caketopper but then she shot that idea down saying it'd be too heavy (I think a cake should be able to hold it up without collapsing) and saying that she was concerned about lead poisoning since the soldering is done with lead (though I said we could easly put a piece of cardboard underneath it to prevent that). So I said we'd just place the double happiness somewhere on the cake table then, akin to the large "I Do" letters that many brides use. After asking me a million questions and asking me to print her several sizes on paper, she set to work and bought the glass. Her choice of glass was not ideal, it turns out, since it was really a mirror (or something she explained that I don't understand) and she was not able to cut it into a circle. Instead, she'd have to keep it as a rectangle and she wouldn't be able to solder the edges so she also bought a frame to put it in. I wasn't crazy about the gold, but that's what happens when you give someone free reign. I think it turned out OK.
Behind the scenes, after-the-fact, "Pop-Up Video"-esque tidbit: I later learned MIL told the photographer that she made it and she urged him to take pictures of it.

In the last days, I just couldn't do anymore and Dear stepped up to do the table/menu cards, from design to printing. Of course, what I wanted was a lot more complicated so the simple idea Dear came up with was a lifesaver (not that I helped with that). On one side he included the guest names and on the other, the menu, along with explanations for each course.
I don't have the final wording of the menu, but it was something like this (this is our first draft):

There are 9 main courses to a Chinese banquet menu as the number connotes "everlasting." Everything is served whole to symbolize completeness. There is a delicate balance not just in the flavors, but also in the cooking method, where boiling balances frying, braising/steaming, cold/hot, savory/sweet.

Cold appetizer platter: Roast pig, ham, beef, jellyfish and pickled vegetables
Pig symbolizes purity -- J__ delivered a whole roast pig to R___'s parents to make the engagement official in the Chinese tradition.

Jumbo battered shrimp with candied walnuts

Shark fin soup with chicken
A very expensive delicacy, shark fin symbolizes prosperity.

Braised abalone with mushrooms and Chinese vegetables

Sirloin Steak with broccoli

Crispy whole fried chicken
The chicken symbolizes the phoenix (mythological bird), the representation of the wife.

Lobster, stir-fried with ginger and scallions
The lobster symbolizes the dragon, which represents the husband.

Steamed whole fish
Fish is a must at every important meal, as it sounds like the word "abundance" in Chinese.

Fried rice and E-fu noodles with mushrooms
Noodles, especially the e-fu noodles, are served to symbolize longevity.

Red bean soup with lotus seeds
Red is a lucky color and lotus seeds symbolize fertility.

How it all came down: the evening of

Before the banquet began in the evening, we cut the picture-taking short (cutting out the SI Ferry option) and headed back to Ctown so that we could get the tea ceremony started. There was a bit of traffic, especially on the street leading to the restaurant. Our photographer got out of the car so that he could capture shots of us arriving and I think he must've waited at least 15 minutes for those few paces. The bridal party, behind us, decided to just walk and they got there way before we did.

When we got to the restaurant, Judy, our fantabulous baker, had just finished setting up the cake. It was so nice, exactly the way I wanted and yet way beyond my expectations. I think we were still communicating about flowers a few days before the wedding and I just gave her free reign because indecisive me couldn't decide on a lot of things. She ended up creating a bunch of yellowish-orange sugarpaste orchids for the cake-topper and at first I thought they were real! Everything that I could decide on and asked for was created exactly the way I wanted, down to the same shade of red that I love from the invitations. From the flowers to the double happiness monogram in royal icing, to the cherry blossom texture on the middle tier, to the red bands stamped with an image of a Chinese knot I found on an envelope, I really loved how the cake turned out and to try to describe how beautiful it was would just ruin it.

So here are some pics.

Do you see how she even piped the cherry blossom design onto the board that the cake is sitting on?

close-up of the flowers on top of the cake

close-up of the double happiness

Someone captured this moment while Judy was setting up -- look at the deep concentration!

CAKE from SILK CAKES: A+
I love Judy's work and I think she was the best vendor we dealt with, coming up with exactly what I wanted. She has a lot of good ideas and her work is exquisite! And her pricing is a lot more affordable than other bakers that we checked with for the type of cake we wanted. She is also very accessible -- we met with her several times to discuss the design and flavors, plus we communicated regularly through email. At the tasting, we couldn't decide which flavor we liked more so we chose both the mocha cake with raspberry filling and the lemon cake with strawberry filling as different tiers. I think the mocha turned out a LOT better than the lemon (though the lemon wasn't bad either) and I even had guests ask for more of it when only the lemon was left. Someone also said that he doesn't usually like that type of cake (chocolate with fruity flavors) but he still really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, a lot of guests also said that they didn't partake of any of the scrumptiousness b/c the MC neglected to mention that there was cake to the side (more on THAT some other time -- hrmph!!). But can I really complain, since we got all the leftovers?! :D We cut a section to freeze for our one-month anniversary (yesterday, btw, but we totally forgot!) and we also had slices here and there for the first two weeks when I allowed myself to eat with reckless abandon again. But I digress, I HIGHLY recommend Silk Cakes!


I don't know who exactly set stuff up at the restaurant, but the favors and bottles of wine (or at least most of them) eventually made it to the tables, as did the table/menu cards. The cake table was also made gorgeous by BM's sister, who set up the buckets of flowers from the ceremony in a line across the back of the table. Such a simple presentation that did just the trick! She also propped up the floral monograms so that they flanked either side of the cake, and spread leftover petals on the table. I was so pleasantly surprised at how romantically lush it came out!

BEFORE: the cake table

AFTER: the cake table (with us in the background doing the tea ceremony)

While everything was set up, we did the tea ceremony thing on the stage at the front of the restaurant. It took forever to get things ready (to round everyone up and to get the tea) so it totally threw our schedule out the window, even though we showed up early (and sacrificed going to all the places we wanted to for pics). Finally, Dear went and got the tea and we got started. It was weird to address all these people as if we were related (like addressing Dear's aunts as if they were my aunts, since I am now considered part of that family). At times I found it comical when we didn't know how to address certain relatives (I am somewhat disrespectful and I don't always correctly address my relatives by their proper rank and title, plus I thought my parents called some ppl various terms of endearment). And when I forgot what Dear just called his relatives, thankfully BM was paying attention and mouthed it to me. That garnered me at least one brownie point with Dear's aunt, who called me smart since I normally don't talk to her under the guise of not understanding her Cantonese dialect. ;)

At the beginning I really didn't want to do the tea ceremony thing b/c I thought it would take up too much time and in some instances I don't really want to pay respect to ppl that I don't really know (like some 'aunt' who I still don't quite understand the relation of). But it was kinda cool to have that time with each set of relatives, sorta talk to them, and to serve them tea, kinda like a receiving line on steroids (only they were sitting and we standing). Originally we were supposed to kneel to the elders but Dear adamantly refused. I thought he was being picky but then I learned this was some sort of pagan ritual so I fought for it too. I felt a bit guilty about this since my mother had already purchased the pillows and the specially embroidered pillowcases but in the end she understood (or got so tired of fighting me on every little thing that she gave up). However, either my parents didn't communicate with each other (highly likely) or my father forgot, but when it came their turn to be served tea, my father kept saying "Aren't they supposed to kneel?" I found that kinda funny too. Besides a bunch of gold bracelets and stuff, my mother also gave me a pair of gold screwpost earrings with diamonds -- the posts were so thick it hurt to stick it in my ears, but everyone said I had to wear everything to show respect. After a while, I started to look like the female (and Chinese) version of Mr. T. And Dear's tux pocket was stuffed with envelope after envelope that we each received from each set of elders. I wish we kept better track of these. :( Also, I still think that my older brother should have been included in this lineup but my family insisted that he shouldn't be because he's not yet married. What irked me more is that later on, when our families were introduced, he was excluded yet again, as if I don't have a brother. Even Dear's younger brother was introduced then! Friggin' distant aunts were mentioned but not my brother -- how much closer of a relation can you get than siblings?!

Anyway, on to other criticisms.... Just a few more posts about the banquet and I'll be done recapping! (Maybe we'll then have time/patience to do all the million other things that need to be done, like going through pro pics [if we ever get them], writing thank you notes, etc.)

Something old, something borrowed

The other day (probably weeks ago), my FCIL let me borrow the vintage Gucci clutch that she found at a rummage sale. It's perfect for the wedding day and is so classy.

I think it needs to be cleaned though, and I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

Looks like I have a lot of old & borrowed stuff. Not sure if I will have something blue....

My cookie day

This past Saturday, Dear and two of his GM drove out to the far reaches of Brooklyn to deliver a pig and some pastries in exchange for my hand in marriage. I feel really bad that one of the GM drove for 2 hours from CT to get to NYC to do this. Thankfully my mother didn't insist on rescheduling this two days before, when she realized that she had mis-read her Chinese calendar. I also am relieved that Dear was allowed (at the last minute) to come inside, otherwise the GMs would have been completely lost in a sea of outdated traditions, amongst ppl they've never met.

While we waited for them to arrive, two of my aunts (the ones who kept feeding my mother all the traditions that need to be followed) gave me marriage advice. Most of it I barely understood (or ignored, since they can be quite annoying) and I just nodded my head. The only thing I remember is my aunt telling me my duties as a wife would be to cook and clean (I wanted to wring her neck for that) and that I would have to say good morning to my ILs (as if I lost all common sense or politeness). It's just so different to hear this subservience junk, as compared to the advice I got at my shower.

Anyway, when the entourage arrived around 11:15 (I think), I scurried upstairs since I wasn't allowed to be seen. I hovered at the top of the steps to catch glimpses of what was happening (mostly saw ppl's legs and feet) and I also tried to listen so that I could picture the events happening below me -- have to watch the tape that GM was shooting. In the meantime, pictures that the other GM shot help fill in a lot of the blanks.

roasted pig and six boxes of pastries, later to be divvied up

I actually watched as the car was unloaded -- I was surprised that everything fit b/c I had heard stories of how ppl had to fold down their seats to fit the pig but there was room to spare in the trunk. Sounds gross, I know, but the pig was covered in paper and taped to the box. I love the wooden red tray that the pig came in.

Dear presented two coconuts to my mother (forgive the odd shot -- he doesn't want his picture publicized so I cropped him out). The coconuts symbolize fertility or something so they're not divided up and given out to the rest of the family. (That's my aunt in the background.)

After the coconuts, two envelopes of money were presented, one for the numerous dried goods that were requested and one as dowry money. Two pairs of chickens and a pair of pants for my brother were also in the lineup. The chickens were completely intact (with neck and innards) and raw (not what I expected, but better than what some old lady told FFIL while he was ordering the cakes in the bakery -- she said the chickens had to be alive and sqawking).

The pig is ushered into the dining room/kitchen to be chopped up.

My other aunt examining the pig for the best angle to chop its head off.

This aunt eventually did all the chopping b/c everyone else was too scared or didn't know how. From upstairs I just heard each person pass the buck and tell the other person to cut it. This is also the aunt that kept calling one of the GMs "pretty boy" in Chinese, which I couldn't stop laughing about from upstairs.

The pig, slowly being divided up.

Did I say how much I really like the box? It comes with handles too! I'm thinking of turning it into a planter or a magazine rack or something. Let's hope all this rain hasn't completely destroyed it as FMIL left it outside in her backyard.

The pig's head, returned to the groom, along with its tail.

The groom also got a wallet (with some money in it), a belt, some of the pastries, some of the pork, all the bed linens we had bought, and two of the chickens back. My mother also returned half of the dried goods money and a significant portion of the dowry money for Dear to buy a suit. She also put red envelopes with a small amount of money in each of the things that the groom took away and everyone there got red envelopes for helping out (the GMs, my aunts).

My mother and aunt dividing up all the pastries into the more decorative red boxes to give out to the rest of my family.

Along with the pastries, they also delivered the invitations (way late) complete with the cake cards to get even more pastries, and a slab of the roast pork.

sample of the pastries

I think one of the pastries is missing, b/c I thought there were supposed to be six types. I tried two of the ones above and they both have a very flaky crust (must be a lot of lard) with the thick and sweet lotus seed filling often found in Chinese pastries. The one I had on Saturday reminded me of a plain mooncake without the yolk centers. This morning, the one I had threw me for a loop as it had thin slices of pickled ginger in the middle, along with half a pickled egg (the kind that you get when someone gives birth -- ick!). I really want to try the large almond cookie but I feel guilty b/c it's really huge!

After the guys left, my family had a small lunch (just pork and rice, no vegetable!!) b/c I think my parents forgot/did not know that they were supposed to cook a meal for all of us. The pork tasted pretty good (not very fatty), was about 100 pounds altogether I think, and came from the meat market on Catherine Street by the Golden Carriage bakery. Not having dealt with them, I give them an A for value (about $1/lb), taste, their thoughtfulness to provide the red tray (I later learned the box cost extra but a nice touch), convenience, and general doing exactly what was asked of them at the time they were asked to.

Here's looking at you kid, er... um... pig? And my mother wanted to get the pig cards (like gift certificates) instead of the actual pig.... I think aside from the huge headache of all this, things turned out alright and definitely created some memories (and only lasted about an hour).

The third dress

Last Friday, BM and I headed out bright and early to 34th Street to find me an evening gown (for the final dress-changing portion of the evening), since the one that I had originally intended to wear is really plain and not exactly flattering. My co-worker had told me about the inexpensive evening gowns that you can buy in the Garment District. I had checked out some places before, but it was difficult to make a decision w/o a second set of eyes and w/o being able to try anything on. So I dragged BM with me to this particular store that actually has a fitting room (ghetto as it may be) and after trying on many a dress, I found something!

At first, I was really afraid that I would make the wrong decision (you can't return stuff, just exchange, and only within 24 hours) so I asked the woman to hold the dress for me (she only holds it for a few hours) while we went to look elsewhere. Since we were in the area, we went to Macy's. Interestingly, I saw at least two styles of dresses that were in the ghetto store, just in different colors. The big difference? About $50 (if not more -- numbers escape me for the moment)! Oh and at Macy's, they have fancier tags attached. After I realized that my budget prevented me from buying anything nice or undamaged from Macy's (I've bought enough evening gowns in the past year for quite a few formal events), I came to the conclusion that the dress from the ghetto store was the one for me.

It is a halter dress with an empire waist and A-line skirt. There is a weird fold of fabric in the front that looks a bit like ruffles, but not really. I'm thinking of cutting that part off. It comes with a thin shawl/scarf thingy and and it's green! Recently I've become enamored with the color green, especially bright greens like apple and lime. I've also noticed that this color is nice on Asian skin so I knew it'd be in my best interest to get something green. Even though many people would have preferred that I wear yet another red dress (besides the qi pao), I decided to go for the green and I think I have a winner! I will finally have a fabulous dress in my repertoire for the day!

And just to check that I'm not colorblind, here's a swatch of the color. The two mothers said it's not "bright" enough -- are they crazy? It's sooo bright (I was concerned it may be too bright). [I'd post a pic of the full dress but I'm too lazy and it's complicated to put it on, etc.]

Today, I tried on the dress with my silver 3" heels and the length is perfect! Now I just have to iron it and perhaps look for the right undergarment. Yay! Something went right for a change!!

Cash cow and other farm animals

I've always been aware of the tension/conflict between the Old World thinking/traditions of recent immigrants and their first-generation American children. But I've never felt it more acutely than now, when seemingly ridiculous cultural traditions are being shoved down my throat and I'm demanded to follow them.

The most recent round of arguments have involved this pig delivery (dowry) thing. At first I thought this was a cute and fun idea and a good way to honor the Chinese history but it has gotten completely out of hand. Besides the pig, fiance is expected to bring over wedding pastries (not to be confused with the bakery cards that we bought to give out to the bride's side), two pairs of chickens, shark fin, dried mushrooms, dried scallops, plus various other dried delicacies, and one pair of coconuts. And of course, don't forget the packet of money that must include a lucky number (either 8 or 9), meaning about $1000 or more. To make matters worse, I'm told that neither me nor fiance can be present -- it will just be some ppl that he chooses to represent him (there must be at least a married couple with their children), including his parents, who show up at my parents' house (who, as of now, are complete strangers to the deliverers). These ppl only stay long enough to drop off all the stuff, receive half of it back (except for the coconuts for some bizarre reason), and then leave. Unlike other ppl who've gone through this, my parents want this ultra-traditional and are not going to invite the deliverers to stay and eat with them (heck I won't even be there to see the spectacle). To make things easier, fiance was given the option of giving the cold, hard cash equivalent of the miscellaneous goods. The trouble with all this, as FFIL pointed out, is which brand do they want? Because as you know, there's the top-notch fungus and there's the low-grade variety, which can be as expensive as $100/lb or as cheap as $1/lb. As it stands, I last heard that FILs found all this stupid and refuse to go to this delivery thing b/c it's not part of their custom.

Fiance was quite peeved about all this b/c it seems like he's buying me off (I agree), like a piece of property. My mother gave the explanation that all this needs to be done b/c I'm leaving home; note that no notice or care is given about the male leaving the home. As fiance said, if we were to do this the completely traditional way and to follow through on the idea of me leaving home completely, I would never ever see them again. So if you put that idea up against my parents wanting all this rigamarole, which is the better way to go? It's not fair that they get the best of both worlds and use the excuse of following tradition for only the parts that they like. I didn't bring that up but that didn't stop my mother from giving me the full-on guilt trip of how she raised me, all the hard work that went into that, and how I'm so ungrateful. Maybe I am, but like I told her, I have no problem giving her money or giving my parents a gift as a show of my appreciation for raising me, I just don't see the point of having to do all this stuff, and me being treated like property that is exchanged from family to husband. This is America -- we made the decision to get married and we don't really need permission or extra obstacles in our way.

With all these arguments, my mother has been reluctant to discuss these issues further with me. She gave me another guilt trip about how this is a happy occasion and she just wants it to be easy and without conflict but that every time we begin to discuss I get all mad. Well I think anyone would be mad if they had to go through all this. Maybe I'd be less confrontational about it all if we were told in advance. But no, we're finding out about all these excess demands now (our friends have never had to go through so much). We never thought we needed a married couple with kids to deliver stuff -- I believe all his cousins (who are married and have kids) are busy on the agreed upon w/e. His groomsmen (who we originally asked to help out) married non-Asian women so they will definitely not bring their wives. And I'd feel terrible to have to impose on ppl to do these tasks (which are most likely meaningless to them) for ppl who are strangers to them.

After our latest fight and my protestations of being treated like chattel, I think my mother started to see my side of things. So she started telling me about all the things she's supposed to give me, like sheets and comforters (more on that later). And she tried to make plans with me to go to the safe deposit box to pick out some bracelet and she said she'd give me her diamond earrings (which, though probably nice, I don't really need -- I'm just a simple girl so I don't need all this stuff!). She also brought up how she could give me this f'ugly wedding cake knife (more like a bread knife with a cheap blue bow glued to it) that she once bought from a store going out of business.

Regarding the bed linens, I told her it's pretty difficult to pick those out when you don't exactly have a bed yet (we don't know if we should get queen size or king), nor a bedroom. So she said it's of utmost importance to get a new bed b/c as a couple starting a new life together you must have all new things. I told her the impossibility of buying a new bed to put in a place we don't have yet and she got pretty fed up with me b/c I said I have no problem sleeping on an old bed and I'd prefer to wait to buy a new one (how to buy furniture for a nonexistent apartment? how to buy only a new bed w/o taking into consideration the rest of the pieces in the room?).

8/24 UPDATE: Yesterday we went to TJ Maxx and bought a comforter, two sets of queen-size 300+ thread count sheets, and two pillows for $162.50.

Chinese information

In working on the Chinese part of the invitation wording, someone passed this along to me. I think it's the standard traditional wording (do Chinese ppl ever dare to break tradition?).

She also sent other wedding-related links from what appears to be Hong Kong sites.

• Wedding.esdlife.com is like a Chinese version of The Knot. It has an English site but it's not as loaded with info as their Chinese counterpart so if you know someone who can translate for you (or if you can read Chinese), it's worth a look. Also, you have to keep in mind that the price estimates are off b/c it's not an American site but I thought that general stuff, like the info about the traditions was helpful.
• i-Wedding Club is all Chinese, but I was able to glean some info thanks to the rudimentary Chinese classes in college.

There is also my old standby, Good Luck Life, by Rosemary Gong. The book's site has some useful/interesting tidbits but I'd definitely recommend reading the full book -- it not only helps to explain wedding traditions but also other Chinese holidays and special occasions (like what to do for a baby's one-month celebration).

And I just learned of China Bridal from Weddingbee, which I'll have to investigate tomorrow.

Secret engagements

And just like that, I got invited to another wedding. Normally this wouldn't be worth noting except that we found out about this potential wedding/engagement just a few weeks ago and the wedding is in July. Talk about a short engagement! And the couple has only been dating for less than a year. I don't see what the rush is about and I don't know why it has to be before my wedding when we got engaged way before they did. Unless she is preg-o?? And b/c they are related (or future ILs for me), I don't appreciate the secrecy of their engagement either (we found out about it through the grapevine. If their union is to be a joyous occasion, why the clandestineness?

On a related note of idiocy, the invite is addressed to just me b/c fiance is still considered a child by Chinese standards b/c he's unmarried so he's (implicitly) included on his parents' invite. While that saves on the invites being sent out (the Western way is to send a separate invite to anyone over the age of 18), I think it really shows how constricting Chinese families, or their views on relationships, can be.

But going back to how ppl like to keep their engagements secret, there was big drama a few weeks ago related to my cousin who's getting married a month after me (again, ppl raining in on MY parade! :D Haha, I say that only with half-truth b/c there will always be ppl to remind me which anniversary we're on.). The first hullabaloo was related to how his wedding is so close to mine -- there is some Chinese belief about not attending another wedding within a month of yours b/c it's bad luck or something. I have yet to understand this outlandish thought (any insight into this would be appreciated) but thank God the misunderstanding was cleared up and his wedding is a few days more than a month after mine. The second drama is why keep it a secret? For once, my mother said I did something right by consulting elders for choosing the right date (even though I really didn't want to, but fiance thought we should be 'obedient' in that way). My entire family knows about my wedding b/c my parents did eventually call to announce the good news to everyone whereas we found out about this cousin's wedding when an aunt dragged it out of his mother when she noticed that they were making weird plans at a restaurant. But I really wonder if not spreading the news is a common Chinese thing b/c I think my parents kept quiet about it for a few weeks at first whereas I told my close friends almost immediately. And when word got back to my mother through one of my friends' parent, she was surprised (maybe even a little upset) about my friend and her parent knowing. What's the logic behind that?

Cookie cards

The other day I received a wedding invitation from a friend and instead of the usual enclosed cookie card, she included a Starbucks gift card. I think this is a great, creative idea, and a good alternative to the traditional cookie card. We already got our cookie cards from my favorite Chinese bakery earlier this year so we'll go the traditional route. But to follow up on that previous post, I did some research on the reason for this custom, and the following is what I learned.

BACKGROUND
According to Rosemary Gong, a bride will have a 'cookie day' about a month before the wedding where the groom is supposed to deliver a pig, pastries, and all sorts of other types of food depending on various regional customs. I've always thought of this as more of a 'pig day' b/c delivering a whole roast pig is such a big spectacle but I guess the cookies are supposed to be the main event. Gong says the pig (symbol of purity) is supposed to be carried in headfirst and there's supposed to be lots of fancy pastries too, all of which is to be divided in half and returned to the groom (for example, if he brought two chickens, he would get one back). The pig's head, feet, and tail are also returned. What remains is then distributed amongst the bride's relatives. Here's where the cookie cards come in: Gong says that for brides who are too busy to set aside a day for this, they can send out the cookie cards to their relatives so that they can redeem them for pastries on their own. From my experience, it has always been whoever is a guest of the bride receives a card along with their invitation, not just relatives.

Similarly, a while ago, my mother said that the 'new' thing to do over in Hong Kong is to give out cards that relatives can redeem for food (in lieu of getting a portion of the pig and other food) at certain Chinese restaurants so that ppl can forego the headache of getting and delivering a pig. According to Gong, lucky money (hong bao, or lai see to you Cantonese ppl) can be substituted with a list of what the money is intended for written on the envelope. I think for ease, my parents would rather do the card thing only but I think the experience would be a good story to tell future generations.

The Chinese banquet

I've come across quite a few ppl (in person and through reading blogs) who don't want to do any kind of an Asian banquet or food (with the exception of sushi). I, however, loooooove the Chinese banquet. I've left Western-style receptions hungry and I often am amazed that this could be the case even though they are usually more expensive than the Chinese banquet. And their choice of food is usually just 3 types: chicken, fish, or beef. I hardly ever order chicken or fish b/c I think it's very hard to prepare (meaning it's often overcooked), especially when it's not cooked on-site. I much prefer the Chinese banquet, not just b/c I like the variety (and often quality) of the food, but also b/c each element has a meaning.

To begin with, there are usually nine courses (nine connotes 'everlasting' in Chinese) in a banquet. Another reason for so much food is to symbolize abundance and also the family's wealth. Also, all the food is served whole (including the chicken's feet and head; the fish with its eyes, fin and tail; the lobster with its head and tail) because serving only certain pieces is considered 'broken.' According to Rosemary Gong in Good Luck Life,

The wedding banquet menu is carefully selected for a culinary balance. To accomplish this feat, various cooking methods are adopted to achieve an array of flavors to awaken the palate. Cold balances hot, salt neutralizes sweet, boiled offsets fried, steaming equalizes braising. The presentation and color of the food is also important so that the combination of courses harmonizes with the eye as well as the tummy.

To illustrate, here is a sample menu of what I remember the banquet hall offered for their basic meal (plus my editorial comments, as always :P [pictures don't do this food justice, but these are from a banquet in a London Chinese restaurant, courtesy of beifan.com]):

• Cold appetizer platter: roast suckling pig with crispy skin (yum!!; this symbolizes virginity), pickled jellyfish (I love the crunchiness and surprising lightness of this), ham and other cold cuts (some places have the thinly sliced 5-spice beef that's popular in Shanghai-nese cooking)


• Walnut shrimp: huge fried shrimp (prawns?) coated lightly with a sweet mayo sauce, plus tossed candied walnuts; since some of the ILs have issues with the heavy sauce, I am leaning towards the salt and pepper variety, if it's offered
• Shark's fin (for prosperity) or bird's nest soup (symbolizing youthfulness and long life): both are Chinese delicacies and take hours of preparation so it is usually^* very flavorful and good!

• Stir-fried lobster: symbolizes the dragon, the essence of the husband; sometimes these are served in pairs (pairs are a good thing to Chinese ppl)


• Braised abalone, sea cucumber, and vegetable: long leafy greens, though difficult to manuever with chopsticks, are often served whole to wish long life
  
• Crispy, whole fried chicken: symbolizes the female part of the marriage equation, the phoenix (Chinese mythological bird); often served with colorful shrimp chips
  
• Whole steamed fish (symbolizing abundance): the fish is never flipped (deriving from old fisherman's superstition of flipping the fish like flipping a boat) but the waiter will usually de-bone it for each table when it arrives
  
• Fried rice and noodles, often served as a pair (I think the noodles symbolize long life)
  
• Red bean soup (red for good luck and long ago my Chinese teacher told me there was a meaning to red beans, like friendship or something, but I forgot): this sweet dessert soup sometimes has lotus seeds added to it to 'wish the blessing of successive sons'; if I had my druthers, I'd rather have the coconut milk tapioca soup with taro, which I like a lot better b/c I'm not a fan of beans
• Wedding cake (often served with the sweet soup) and I don't remember if fresh fruit is also served, or if that is just something that happens after regular Chinese dinners
  

Somewhere I kinda remember there being a T-bone steak which I don't like the Chinese preparation of so it probably won't be on our menu. With all this food, served family style, there is usually a lazy susan in the middle of the table (and hence, no room for centerpieces). There are also the requisite pots of tea and bottles of soda in the middle (7-Up is usually there b/c the translation of it means 'happiness' or something -- another thing I forgot from my Chinese teacher). *Some restaurants, of course, have better cooking than others. I'm pretty happy with the place we picked -- the last time we were there, there were quite a few non-Asians there b/c I think it's listed in Zagat's. Plus b/c FFIL knows the ppl there, they won't serve sub-par food in order to 'save face.' Yum and yay! All this talk of food is making me hungry!

The Chinese Dress

Check! This is probably the task that was completed the quickest thanks to my mother. (Delegation is a beautiful thing!) She's been keeping an eye out for dresses, in particular the Chinese kind (qipao or cheongsam, I think it's called) for me. The other day she presented a few business cards of the places that she visited and liked. I didn't think much of them but today we decided to go check them out in Chinatown. (man, I couldn't help but notice how touristy everything is now) The first place I walked through by myself, since we agreed to meet there and I was very early. The ppl kept asking if I needed any help but since I had no idea what I was supposed to look for (does it have to be red or have the dragon and phoenix on it?), I kept saying no. I must've walked the store three times through (they have a lot of knick knacks too) while waiting for her so the workers must've thought I was acting suspiciously (not everything that they sell requires a lookover) so they kept following me. That was pretty irritating and weird and I ended up buying a little white bag that I thought I could use as a bridal purse or something. I now have buyer's remorse b/c I think the bag is too white and I don't like how they charged me more than the bag is really worth (it's a very simple design and I heard them say 'oh how much should I charge her'). Anyway, when my mother finally showed up, we went through a couple of their dresses and she said there should a dragon/phoenix on it and it'd be best if it were red). I tried on the only one that they had with the dragon and phoenix and it was quite fugly. It looked like it was more suited for an old woman. So they showed us others, some red, some with cap sleeves, some sleeveless. They were all unspectacular but they would brush off our complaints of how it didn't quite fit (too loose here and there) or that they weren't really appropriate for weddings b/c they weren't red, yet they just said you could wear teal and it doesn't need the dragon/phoenix thing. I'm glad we didn't settle b/c the last store we went to (more like some rented space in a larger, undeveloped shopping mall on Grand Street) had this beautiful red dress with gold accents (including the appropriate dragon/phoenix). I like it b/c it is slightly different from the ordinary Chinese dress with a keyhole opening in front and is sleeveless. It fits perfectly (though a little too perfectly as my tummy roll is very obvious) and is better constructed than other dresses that I've seen b/c it is lined so it falls over my body nicer. I just need to get shoes (maybe slippers?) and bodyshaping underwear to go with it.

Yesterday we met with a cake baker and I was quite impressed with her portfolio. She charges $4 per slice or $3 for sheet cakes, not including delivery charges. I think that is low on the cake cost spectrum for fancy wedding cakes but expensive compared to Chinese cakes (which can be flavorless, too spongy and/or dry, and not that nice). Though the flavors are tempting I'm not sure if I would justify spending so much on cake. At the same time I'm not a fan of the Chinese cake so maybe we'll check out Veniero's (ironically I hear they are cheaper for cakes b/c it is much simpler -- fresh fruit, cream, white cake, I imagine).

Upcoming: we really have to work out the music situation. The problem is that I dislike loud music and I think most DJs are like that but from previous experience, a lot of ppl have complained about how boring live music is (be it jazz or a slightly more upbeat rock band). This coming weekend we'll be headed to an out-of-town wedding so we won't be able to get much done but at least I'll be able to steal some ideas. :)

Year of the Dog

I recently read an article in the New York Times about this solar year being a lucky one for weddings. Unlike last year (the Year of the Rooster, which was supposedly really bad for weddings, or big life changes, as I had heard elsewhere also), this Year of the Dog is good. It is especially good b/c this year happens to have two 'lichun,' or beginning of spring. Supposedly this double-spring phenomenon happens every five years and ppl plan nuptials around then (did fiance plan it that way? -- yeah right). I don't really believe this stuff but it is good to know that we're doing something right and that not everything I'm planning has to be an ordeal or has to have ten things wrong with it (or shall I say 450 things wrong w/ it?).

Some other stuff that I have to get done:
- invites
- decide what to do about hair & makeup (I want to check out some dept. store makeup counters)
- get other 2 dresses
- get/make veil (I'm now in the phase of wanting a floor-length one, though I don't know how to sit w/ that on)
1-2 months before (from the Knot Guide)
- try out veil w/ hairstyle
- shape eyebrows
- makeup trial run
- test out at-home masks or pro facial
2 weeks before
- final haircut/trim
- drink lots of water & exercise
- full hair trial
- eat right (eat fruits & veggies; cut out salt & fat -- hope I won't be PMS-ing)
1 week before
- get massage (if can afford it)
- bikini wax and final eyebrow shaping
- final facial (but not day before!)
- final trim for fiance
- avoid salty snacks and alcohol
1 day before
- drink lots of water
- deep-condition hair
- pro manicure & pedicure
- take long, relaxing bath (I'll skip this)

Here's the full article that I mentioned above b/c I know NY Times will archive it and then make you pay to get access (but I put it in tiny print so you can scroll through it if you're not interested and it doesn't make it seem like this post is that long):
Entering the Year of the Wedding

By JENNIFER TUNG
Published: January 29, 2006

WOMEN wishing to marry might try to hurry the process along, slyly dropping hints about rings or blatantly pressuring boyfriends to pop the question. But not Jennifer Chung.

Ms. Chung, who is Chinese-American, held off her wedding plans until just the right moment so she could get married in the Year of the Dog, which begins today, the first day of Chinese New Year.

Her reasoning was based on luck, not logistics. Ms. Chung, 29, an account supervisor at Gigante Vaz Partners, an advertising agency in New York, considers the Year of the Dog to be an auspicious one for weddings. Last year, the Year of the Rooster, was thought to be particularly unlucky for marriages.

The reason many Chinese (and half-Chinese) couples are choosing Dog wedding dates over Rooster ones traces back to the solar calendar. The Year of the Rooster, which began on Feb. 9, 2005, and ended yesterday, did not contain a lichun, or beginning of spring. (Lichun usually falls on Feb. 4, the halfway point between the winter and summer solstices.) A year without a lichun is called a "widow year" or "blind year," explained Theodora Lau, the author of "The Handbook of Chinese Horoscopes" (HarperCollins, 2005). "The thinking is that if you get married in a blind year, you didn't look at what you were doing, and you could get divorced next year."

Many couples, both tradition-minded and modern, took notice, postponing wedding plans last year. (According to articles in the Asian press, would-be brides and bridegrooms in China shunned the Rooster in large numbers, often leaving wedding-related businesses there with empty reception halls.)

The Year of the Dog, which will end Feb. 17, 2007, will span two lichun, Ms. Lau said. "It's very lucky to see spring in the beginning of the year and in the end. A lot of people would love to get married in a double-spring year."

In late 2004 Ms. Chung's mother first mentioned the significance of the calendar to her daughter. "It stuck in my mind," Ms. Chung recalled. She then relayed the concern to her boyfriend, Jay Wilkins, who had already asked Ms. Chung's parents for her hand in marriage. Fortunately he was on board for a Year of the Dog wedding. They'll walk the aisle in March.

Ms. Lau said this phenomenon, which occurs every five years, has long drawn couples to the altar. "Ancient matchmakers would tell parents who were paying for the weddings, 'This is a lucky, prosperous year.' " she said. "It was a way to draw in business."

It still is. Albert Chu, manager of the Golden Bridge Restaurant in Chinatown in New York, says "the two springtimes" ought to create a surge in wedding banquets. "We've had a lot of calls asking to reserve the party room," he said.

Johnson Lau, owner of Highlight Studio Wedding Center, a Chinatown wedding planner, said his business has recovered from the 20 percent dip in bookings he experienced last year. "We've already booked 50 for this coming year," he said.

For other Chinese-American fiancées, marrying in the Year of the Dog is not as clear a choice as it might seem. Peggy Pei-Yi Hwan, 32, a research analyst at Standard & Poor's in New York, is also planning a Year of the Dog wedding. Upon reflection, a Rooster date would have been cause for some concern. "My family is superstitious, and I've inherited that to an extent," she said. "Part of me is relieved that I'm not getting married in a year that is considered bad luck."

She and her fiancé, Geordie Hebard, settled on a March wedding, but once a date was determined, the couple was unexpectedly whipsawed by another cultural and religious issue: Lent.

"We had a hard time finding someone who would marry us," said Ms. Hwan, who was raised as a Protestant. "It's considered a sacred time, so a lot of conservative Episcopalian ministers won't perform the service." The couple has secured a willing officiant for their March 4 ceremony, luckily.

Some questions answered

Thanks to my friend, who sent me some quotes from Rosemary Gong's Good Luck Life: The Essential Guide to Chinese American Celebrations and Culture, I see some reason to the madness.

The future bride's mother and father could receive money in red envelopes for "shoes" and "pants" respectively, because in Cantonese the word "shoes" is similar sounding to "harmony", and "pants" sounds like "fortune." The groom could also give unmarried older brothers or sisters of the bride "pants" or "skirt" money in red envelopes for marrying over their birth order.

Not to be forgotten, the groom receives gifts too: a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a belt and a new wallet containing ninety-nine dollars, and the family's wedding gift of Chinese jewelry. The future bride will often send her fiancé a watch as part of the jewelry collection.

This confirms that it is NOT a suit but just a pair of pants (though I wonder if there are regional ancestral differences and what are Gong's sources). These explanations are interesting and the other parts sound good enough (I've never knew all this stuff) that I ordered a copy for myself and I can't wait to find out more. Sidenote: I got fiance a watch already. :)

And the significance of the number 9 (I always thought that the groom had to bribe the female guards that protect the bride on the wedding day with an amount with the number 9 in it because it made the number look bigger, like when things are $9.99 and you think it's not quite $10...):

Nine - connotes long life because of its similarity to the word for enduring. The Temple of Heaven in Beijing incorporates many nines in its design: The upper terrace of the altar is ninety feet tall: the platform of the temple has nine concentric circles of marble slabs. Even the marble balusters are in multiples of nine.
Doubling the digits, such as 5-5, 7-7, and 9-9, is considered good luck. Pairing the items doubles the fortune.

Pants, suits, belt and other gifts

The ridiculousness continues.... A few months ago I was told that fiance and I need to buy my brother a suit. Why, you ask? Because I happen to be the younger sibling and I'm getting married before he is. Other people told me that it's actually a pair of pants and that the younger sibling is supposed to walk underneath them so as not to jinx the older, unmarried sibling (yes, another silly way that luck plays into this). Some said that this only applies to male siblings (which makes sense, because as the old saying goes, it's easier to marry off daughters than sons). I have yet to confirm which of these is correct. Pants would not be so bad but an entire suit! I was incensed (still am, I think) that I was being punished for being more attractive (hahaha, had to throw that one in there) and getting married first. Besides, shouldn't the older sibling always take care of the younger one?

Then a few days ago, my mother tells me that she needs to buy fiance a pair of pants, a belt, and a wallet. This odd assortment of stuff all have a reason behind them but she could only remember that the wallet signifies for him to be prosperous (not sure if that entails saving money but I think that's what she said). So as it stands, this request needs to be fulfilled with just the reason of "because that's what other ppl are doing." (Don't adults teach kids that peer pressure is bad?) Like the other odd request, she heard about this from someone else who heard about it from someone else (yes, if she was a recluse and didn't hear any of these stupid old wives' tales, aka a form of twisted gossip, I wouldn't be suffering this much!).

EDIT: see Some questions answered for some updated info

Christmas

So Christmas has come and gone without much fanfare. I did get to thinking though, what's going to happen next year? We'll be our own family and it will be difficult to decide which side of the family to spend it with. As with Thanksgiving, where I hardly saw fiance because I wanted to be with my family, it was difficult to balance. It is a bit lopsided because my family never does anything (and when they do, it's last minute and plans have already been made) and I guess it's partially my fault because I don't take the initiative to do anything. But because Christmas was on a Sunday this year, we didn't go over to the FILs' until Sunday afternoon, after service so it was about 50/50.

The other thing I thought about was something a co-worker once suggested: getting Christmas ornaments that represent us by telling a story, like each ornament having a special meaning. For instance, she says that she picks up an ornament everywhere she travels to and that would've been a good tradition to start with in Japan (though I'm not sure anyplace would be selling Christmas paraphernalia in March). Oh well, we'll start with our honeymoon. :)

Oh, and as an addendum to the previous post, it's great to know there are so many supportive ppl out there. Aside from the ppl offering help in unexpected ways, ppl have also lent/given me books and magazines. So helpful -- I am so grateful!!